“All I have for the moment is a song to pass the time,
A melody to keep me from worrying
Yeah, some simple progression to keep my
Fingers busy
And words that are sure to come back to me…”
I’ve always been a really good sleeper. I’d read for a while and fall asleep… and I’d do my best to get seven or eight hours a night.
These days I don’t sleep well at all. Sometimes I wake up and feel like I didn’t sleep at all. A lot of times I just plain can’t sleep.
“So there still is hope,
Yes I can be healed
There is someone looking for what I’ve concealed
In my secret drawers, in my pockets deep,
You will find the reasons that I can’t sleep
And you will still want me…
Will you still want me?”
I’ve been doing a lot better since I wrote my last post. I still need to get my life in order and work to make more and more progress… but I’m going in the right direction.
It’s so important to look at your life, figure out what you can and can’t control, and try to make good decisions.
Good decisions…
I’ve been doing okay with that the last few months. I did make a lot of horrible decisions before I came back here though… with effects that I still feel every day.
I’m adjusting to this new way of life… learning to live again. Learning a lot about love.
It’s hard…
but still so worth it. Love.
The way you think… the way you feel… it controls so many things. I know that if I don’t BELIEVE I can get better, I won’t. I know that if I don’t fight the anxiety, the thoughts… they’ll beat me every time. Sometimes they’ll beat me even when I do fight… but I’ll keep fighting anyway.
“So hold up your fist
To the flame in the sky
To block out the light
That’s reaching for our eyes
Cause it would blind us…”
-Bright Eyes
Learning to Live 
4 comments
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July 1, 2010 at 5:06 am
slightlyignorant
Your words are so true… I swear, I really feel like I’m looking into my own mind. I can’t sleep well anymore either, and I’m going through the same things as you [I think I may have mentioned this already – but it just strikes me time after time, knowing that someone else out there is experiencing the same things I am and is hopeful].
Keep fighting. Things will get better. Keep fighting, and learning, and living.
July 1, 2010 at 8:32 am
83October
I think a small step forward is such a great thing. So, I’m glad you are better at this point compared to the last post. My life has been this big game of a step forward towards improvement and then a leap backward to where I was. Sometimes it feels like a vicious cycle, but as you state it we should go on fighting and we should believe that we’re going to get better.
July 1, 2010 at 5:50 pm
Lua
You always inspire me to look at my life, try to make progress and keep in my mind that ‘learning to live & love’ is a never ending process…
We have to keep fighting…
“So I may never be free of this apathy.
But I wait for a letter that is coming to me.
She sends me pictures of the ocean in an envelope.
So there still is hope.
Yes, I can be healed.”
I love this song… 🙂
July 2, 2010 at 3:42 am
dedalus9
Hello, there. I haven’t been on for a while, so I’m catching up with you now.
So many of your posts talk about moving forward, progress, and here ‘passing time.’ I just wanted to point out this one observation. That in your desire to live authentically. In your looking toward the future. That you are in fact living very richly now.
I don’t mean to suggest things are perfect for you. There’s clearly still pain. And I’m not just suggesting an attitude readjustment (oh, I hate when people say things like, Just think positive!). And I know the things that need time. I know sometimes things just need the passing of time.
Living in the moment (carpe diem! talk about cliches!) is more than a lot of people think it is. It isn’t doing whatever brings you the most pleasure in the moment. It is making the decision in each moment that will ‘be best’ for you.
In that sense, it *seems* that you are often there, making conscientious choices in the moment.
I hope you’ll appreciate that. It’s great to focus on progress. And I don’t mean you should rest on your laurels. But you are doing a lot of beautiful things. Maybe it’s better to find the joy in the present than wait for time to pass, to wait for some ‘healthy’ future.
You’ve said, learning to live is a daily thing. As is the enjoyment of living.
Now some practical proscriptions from a life-long insomniac: don’t drink caffeine after 2pm; set up a morning routine, like walks or reading at a coffee shop or writing; if you’re not going to sleep, exercise or read instead of lying there; allow yourself to operate on 3-4-5 hours of sleep if it’s only occasionally and don’t worry about it; eat well.
Sounds like you do some of these already. Just hoping maybe one will work a bit. Insomnia is sort of like hiccups. Annoying, and there are a lot of old wive’s tales about how to fix them. But usually they just go away when you stop thinking about them.
Alright….surely this ramble must come to an end. Best wishes.