Emerson said: “Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.”

I have honestly been making a lot of progress since I got discharged from the hospital and moved back home. When I first got out, I feared being alone. My head was really foggy. I had a hard time concentrating on what people would say to me. Night time was especially bad. As soon as dusk started approaching, this sense of dread and fear would overtake me. I would try to keep myself busy, which seemed to help, but I would never have left the house.

Now, I don’t mind being alone. My mood swings are way less severe. I’m not as tired all of the time. I can concentrate a little better and the night time anxiety is not nearly as bad. A lot of the same symptoms are there, but just not to the same extent. I feel like I have so much more strength to fight off negative thoughts when they approach. There are definitely bad days and bad moments, and I know I have most of the journey still in front of me, but so far things have progressed further than I would have thought by this time.

Along with progress, however, comes this fear… this fear that I will crash again. And can you blame me really? As far as I knew, things were going great before all of this happened. I fear that once again I will fall. Actually, I think a more likely scenario is that I would do very well first and get sort of manic again before becoming really depressed. If I started feeling more depressed I would be more likely to ask for help.

I need to learn how to trust myself again. Yes, I’m doing better, but I have nearly no responsibilities. I take my brother to work and pick him up, clean and do the dishes, run errands for my mom… that’s really it. I don’t have a job. I don’t have school. I don’t have any of the responsibilities I had before. Last week I had an appointment on a day that I usually work out. Although there was still plenty of time to work out, I worried and stressed over it all morning… thinking, will I have enough time? I ended up having more than enough time. Little things overwhelm me very quickly now… whereas before, I could handle working two shifts, commuting to school in between, and then doing a night class again after my second shift of work. And I didn’t even really stress about it.

I have the opportunity to pick up some hours at my mom’s daycare. The advantage would be that I’m sort of a shoe-in, and I wouldn’t have to work many hours. I also have a lot of experience in childcare. On the other hand, the daycare is almost always short staffed and the children run wild (according to my mom.) It could be very stressful. I told my mom that in a couple weeks I think I would be ready to do that. And I think it’s good for me to work towards a short-term goal, though at the same time it scares me that I won’t be able to do it.

I need to learn how to trust myself again. To continue building that new foundation. To trust that although life will always throw me challenges, there will always be a way out. I don’t want to come out of this fearful of another crash. I want to come out of it stronger and more at one with myself.

Advertisements