I’m not going to lie.

It gets exhausting… to the point where I get angry sometimes.

Angry at everything that’s happened in the last four months,

and angry at the place I’m at now.

But sometimes I think the anger is a good sign… it’s a sign of life in me. See, I didn’t feel anger once until I really started trying to get better.

But like I said, it gets really exhausting sometimes… never knowing how I’m going to feel the next moment. I can feel completely fine, motivated, inspired, even ambitious one moment and completely depressed the next for really no reason at all. When I’m low, I can tell myself that the thoughts I’m having are irrational, that the feeling is going to pass, that everything is going to be okay, that I’m strong, but it doesn’t matter. I literally begin to believe that it’s not going to be okay, that I shouldn’t have hope, that I should just give up.

But I continue to fight anyway. And I will keep fighting. And this will get better.

Maybe real hope is when you really don’t feel like things will get better, but you keep fighting anyway.

And at the same time, I can feel completely depressed one moment and then great the next. And it comes like sweet relief, and I realize all the many blessings I still have. I try to store up these moments because I’m never sure how long they will last.

But I’m not giving up hope. I’m not.

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