On a coffee shop napkin during open mic:

Josh: what have you been doing with your life?

Me: Wandering. You?

J: Stuck.

M: Why?

J: It’s the way the world spins I guess.

M: I understand. If you want it enough, you’ll get out…

J Circles the ellipsis and draws an arrow pointing at it. I smile and nod.

J: Where do you want to go?

M: I don’t know. I think I’m okay with that for now.

J: You have wondering eyes. You look like you’re thinking.

M: Maybe I think too much. Why are you really stuck?

J: When you want to go but you have no means.

I’ve been making even more progress. The last couple of days the lows haven’t been nearly as low… or if they are, they don’t last quite as long. It’s such a huge relief, a breath of fresh air.

But although I’m feeling a little bit more “like myself,” I still feel that I’m in a unique position. I think a lot of people expect me to sort of just snap out of it, to just wait for the meds to kick in and then get back to my old life.

But that’s not going to happen. There are elements of my “old life” that I certainly still want to have, but I honestly feel like a different person. I look at a lot of things differently. The past few months have changed everything.

I’m still looking to rebuild my foundation. And that’s hard to do when you’re going to school full time and working 30+ hours a week.  I loved that while I did it, but as I was sitting in that coffee shop last night, I realized how good it feels to simply wander… to feel things out… to not rush myself.

And there’s a lot of healing to be done. I’ve distanced myself from a lot of things that happened during that three month period. I’ve had to distance myself in order to get a little solid ground beneath my feet. Once in a while a memory will come back from those three months and my heart will be wrenched with sadness, grief, pain just thinking about it. Or my friends that I miss, or the kids from my work that I miss… those are things I need to heal from. There are things I need to forgive myself for. And little by little… I’m going to work at that.

But for right now… it feels good to wander.

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