O ME! O life!… of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever renew’d;
Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me; 5
Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?
That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.

-Walt Whitman

Sometimes when I read Walt Whitman, I am happy just to exist. What freedom there is in that!

The past couple of days have been pretty hard. It’s up and down.. but in general, the lows have been lower than they had been for a while. I really don’t know what it is. I had to reschedule my appointment with the psychiatrist (because of my new job) and they couldn’t get me in until the beginning of April. I called back today and told them I really needed to be squeezed in as soon as possible… so I get to go in tomorrow. I’m very relieved about that.

I really wish I could explain it better. I got pretty scared though today and yesterday, because for a few moments, it felt like nothing was real. That’s the best way I can describe it. It then becomes this thing where if nothing is real, than nothing matters… and everything just sort of tumbles down. That’s what convinced me to call the doctor back and ask for an appointment that would be sooner. I just… I want my life back. I feel like this thing has robbed me of my identity.

Those thoughts that I have like that, that’s not me. The real Sarah sees beauty in the little things. The real Sarah knows that as hard as life can be sometimes, it’s still beautiful- and the greatest gift. The real Sarah is inspired by things all throughout the day. The real.. me, knows that this all does matter.

I believe that Walt Whitman left out something in his answer: To love.