“Happiness is only real when shared.”

-Christopher McCandless

One of my favorite movies is Into the Wild. There’s also a book that tells the story of Christopher McCandless, a man who leaves behind the norms and demands of current society to rough it in the wild. Part of what fuels him is his resentment of his family and how he feels that what he believed in growing up isn’t the truth. At the end of all of his solo journey he concludes that happiness is only real when shared.

Love really does make the world go around.

When I finally hit the bottom after three months of rejecting and pushing away the help that people who loved me were trying to give me, the only thing that helped me to pick up my phone for help was love.

I was the lowest I had ever been. I really cannot explain what it was like, but I can tell you that it was the most pain that I’ve ever been in in my life. I believed that I would never be well again, that happiness wasn’t real… that nothing was real. I wished I hadn’t ever been born; I did not want to live. I lay on my bed crying, feeling utterly trapped. Suicide did seem like a way out- it felt like the only way out. Yet I couldn’t consider it, because I didn’t want to hurt all the people that loved me. Then I figured that if nothing else was real, love was. And with that thought, I picked up the phone and dialed the number for the person who I knew loved me most unconditionally- my mom.

Love is real. When nothing else makes sense, when all else fails, love is real.

It doesn’t always make sense. Love will make you do things that you wouldn’t otherwise do. It is the only motivation behind selflessness. And when there’s no other way out, love is there. It is real.

I’ve felt like Christopher McCandless many times. I’ve felt that my family was based on lies.. that what I was taught growing up was a lie. And it drove me from my family. I let the anger and resentment grow just as Christopher McCandless did. When all this started happening in November, I pushed away my family’s help more forcefully than anyone else’s. You want to love me now? You want to be there for me now? I thought.

Yet when I hit bottom, there they were… waiting for me.

Accepting their love didn’t make all the issues go away, but it was the best decision I made during all those months.

I keep talking about this foundation that I lost… and that I’m trying to rebuild again. Well, one thing I know that needs to be plastered down into that foundation is love. That is the first block that I choose to lay down.

I’m still lost. The last week or so has been really rough. I went to the doctor yesterday and he increased the dosage of both the mood stabilizer and the anti-depressant. I’m really hoping that will do the trick. Starting a new and different medication would be a lot more complicated. I was making progress with what I’m on, so hopefully just increasing the dosage will work.

I had a good talk with my mom last night. I cried… I told her I felt like a prisoner in this. She hugged me and said, “You know I would do anything to help you.” She was crying too. I was too choked up to say it, but she already is doing more than I can even ask.. loving me unconditionally. It’s ironic- my family used to be the reason behind my sadness, but now my family is the solid ground beneath my feet, enabling me to find my way on this scary journey.

Yeah… love is real.