Five AM

I’ll be up in two hours

I think… I think that in general I’m making progress. I hesitate to say that because I fear that it won’t last… and because although I’ve been feeling more like myself- and for longer periods of time- I still don’t feel quite… right. Like.. right now I should be asleep…. but I seem to have this endless energy and sort of.. restlessness.. while at other parts of the day I’m just plain exhausted. Right now I just feel wired. It’s like there’s no middle ground. I’m either low, fighting off low, super happy, or “wired.”

I’m not complaining though because when I think about where I was at even just a couple of weeks ago I know that I am in a much better place.

But even as my moods stabilize, I’m still left with memories- both good and bad- that haunt me.

Well, the good memories make me sad… and happy in a way, I guess. You have to understand that it’s not like this was a slow process that eventually led to me hitting bottom- like I was unhappy for several months and everyone knew it but me. It all happened quickly. It especially seems quickly to me because those few months that led me here all just seem sort of like a haze now. Prior to those, maybe, three months things were pretty good. Yes, I had stress, but it was mostly positive stress- wanting to work hard because I was passionate about what I was doing- my job, my major.. I had amazing friends and people in my life- most of whom are still very bewildered that I just sort of disappeared.

So when I think about my life in Milwaukee pre-November, I have to deal with the fact that things will never be like that again. It’s a very harsh truth to accept. Honestly,  I feel like a part of me has died.

Yet… with every death there is birth. But it’s all a painful, yet beautiful process.

Then there are the bad memories that haunt me. Sometimes they flood my mind. It’s like recalling a nightmare that you had but then realizing that it actually happened. It’s scary to even acknowledge that I was in the place I was. Yet at the same time, a month ago I couldn’t even really listen to a song from that time and I am definitely beyond that (well, there are still some songs I can’t listen to…)

I had to go to Milwaukee last weekend to take care of some business at my bank. It was a warm day.. sunny.. and when I first got there I remembered what I loved so much about Milwaukee. As I climbed the front steps of my old apartment, I saw reminders of the fact that I once lived there– my old bike, an empty cigarette box, some old mail… it already almost seemed like a lifetime ago.. it was almost as if my key just might not fit the lock…

But it did. And memories that I had repressed popped into my head.. things that happened that I would almost rather forget.

Yet.. the fact that those memories even surfaced reminded me that I have made progress. Yet as the moods continue to stabilize (knock on wood) I know that I still face a long journey of sorting through and processing everything that happened… of reevaluating the way I see the world around me.. of learning to live again.

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