You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2010.

In keeping the words of my last post, the song today is Plastic Trees by Radiohead.

I’m learning more and more about love…

and how even when you’re worn out by your love’s actions… angry, or even hurt, you are no less in love with him.

Not so long ago I think one of the words that best described me was passionate.

One of the things I was most passionate about was… being alive, as awake as possible. I had some idealistic dream for us all to wake up and realize what a gift life is, how beautiful it is.

And now…

I feel like in a way…

The days are just passing me by.

But so many days I have to fight so hard to just get through that

I just don’t have the heart to fight for even more.

But I guess at heart I’m fighting for just that, to wake up again… to remember that beautiful things are felt even when hurting, when things just don’t make sense.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this… It’s just weird, I still remember things from those three months that I had forgotten… Not even just memories, but feelings, almost flashbacks.

Summer hasn’t quite lived up to what I had set high hopes for… yet in its own way it has brought gifts I hadn’t even thought of before. There have been hots days of swimming, warm nights of sitting under the stars, more and more music… and yet…..

Well, I’m certainly drifting… which I had wanted to do in a way.

There’s so much more to my story than I had ever expected.

Before I write this post, I think I’m going to start something new… and put some song titles out there if you guys want to check them out. Today, I’m feeling the song, “Empty” by Ray Lamontagne. He’s phenomenal and so is the song. But listen to a live version.

I like to play the role of peacemaker. I like trying to look at both sides of an issue and trying to understand where each side is coming from…. a lot of times a problem is just a riddle…

When I was growing up, especially during adolescence, a lot of things were going on in my family. I was blessed with a very good childhood- secure and loving and the like, but around the time I turned thirteen it all sort of fell apart. Slowly. I was sort of the wallflower… watching but always keeping my feelings to myself… shunning the little attention I got… But so often I would be called in to help pick up the pieces. Many times I would mediate….

My twin brother, Nathan, has special needs. I’ve written about him before… While he is delayed in many ways, he also can be very mature and smart. He has been having more emotional issues the last few months… fairly often. He and my mom will just have these long. loud fights. Nathan loses his temper and starts breaking down and what I see from my mom is that she yells back and loses her cool as well. I guess I don’t understand it. The worst idea to calm someone down is to get upset as well and start trying to fight over something that’s usually really trivial. At the same time, Nathan can really push her to the edge and he’ll say things that are so disrespectful.

So today they’re screaming at each other and I just told Nathan to lie down (the fight actually sort of started concerning how hot and humid it’s been here.) And I separated them. My mom was really upset… After I talked to Nathan I went downstairs by my mom and noticed she had this notebook out that she uses to plan her finances and she was looking at it… Nathan helps pay rent here with his social security and if he moved into a group home she would have to move as well.

I played peacemaker again. When I left Nathan was giving my mom a hug and apologizing.

But it’s not over. Because after Nathan apologized there was no … talk. No conflict resolution. That’s the best time to sit down and figure something out… instead of just ignoring it.

The elephant in the room.

Just like my mom ignored how horrible her marriage was for years and years…

The elephant in the room.

So I guess in a way it made me feel sort of nice to feel like the strong one again.. the one helping to get to a solution or at least sort of.. disaster relief. But.. I also know that when I left here to go to Milwaukee originally I grew a LOT because I was away from this sort of thing.

I’ve also come to realize that no matter what, I will never be able to express the depth of the pain I was feeling over the winter. There is no way. Anything I could say or write or sing would not reach… And no one will really grasp it. I try not to, but sometimes I remember. I remember lying on my bed in Milwaukee, completely beaten and alone and helpless.. so afraid. I remember getting a text from my mom and realizing that the answer to “why keep going?” was so simple… the answer is love. I remember throwing stuff in a bag, driving and just screaming and crying at the same time. I remember sleeping next to my sister… I remember… being cold, so cold, all the time. I remember slowly letting go of everything.. including the things I loved, that gave me joy.

I am not saying no one has suffered as much as I have. I do wonder though if reaching those depths of despair is just part of growing up.. but I don’t think that it is. But I know there are things I will never understand about how others have experiences whatever it is. And that’s okay. But sometimes I start feeling like a broken record trying to explain it…

See, I try to forget. But I don’t. But everyone else does. So while these things are haunting me… others seem confused or surprised.

So I guess it’s just frustration in…. expressing myself.

Frustration in the regression of things…

Well… folks,

after five months of not having my own room… I finally do.

Sleeping on the couch was actually a comfort at first… for like the first month I preferred it. Then it became a little annoying… mostly just not having anywhere to put my stuff. Frustrating even.

But my sister moved out on Friday and I started moving my stuff into her old room. It is SUCH a relief, but at the same time so very bittersweet.

It’s like the last chance that I could subconsciously feel like this was just one long weekend at home is finally gone. It’s so final.. unpacking all my stuff. Feels good… but … really sad too. A lot of this stuff I haven’t seen in months and months.

God sometimes it feels like there is so much to grieve. But it’s steadily getting better… and in a sense I’m excited for the future in that it’s so wide open at this point. Even more than before…

I’m starting to realize that sometimes I have more social anxiety than I realized before…

Music.. art.. nature…

sorry for the rambling.