Before I write this post, I think I’m going to start something new… and put some song titles out there if you guys want to check them out. Today, I’m feeling the song, “Empty” by Ray Lamontagne. He’s phenomenal and so is the song. But listen to a live version.

I like to play the role of peacemaker. I like trying to look at both sides of an issue and trying to understand where each side is coming from…. a lot of times a problem is just a riddle…

When I was growing up, especially during adolescence, a lot of things were going on in my family. I was blessed with a very good childhood- secure and loving and the like, but around the time I turned thirteen it all sort of fell apart. Slowly. I was sort of the wallflower… watching but always keeping my feelings to myself… shunning the little attention I got… But so often I would be called in to help pick up the pieces. Many times I would mediate….

My twin brother, Nathan, has special needs. I’ve written about him before… While he is delayed in many ways, he also can be very mature and smart. He has been having more emotional issues the last few months… fairly often. He and my mom will just have these long. loud fights. Nathan loses his temper and starts breaking down and what I see from my mom is that she yells back and loses her cool as well. I guess I don’t understand it. The worst idea to calm someone down is to get upset as well and start trying to fight over something that’s usually really trivial. At the same time, Nathan can really push her to the edge and he’ll say things that are so disrespectful.

So today they’re screaming at each other and I just told Nathan to lie down (the fight actually sort of started concerning how hot and humid it’s been here.) And I separated them. My mom was really upset… After I talked to Nathan I went downstairs by my mom and noticed she had this notebook out that she uses to plan her finances and she was looking at it… Nathan helps pay rent here with his social security and if he moved into a group home she would have to move as well.

I played peacemaker again. When I left Nathan was giving my mom a hug and apologizing.

But it’s not over. Because after Nathan apologized there was no … talk. No conflict resolution. That’s the best time to sit down and figure something out… instead of just ignoring it.

The elephant in the room.

Just like my mom ignored how horrible her marriage was for years and years…

The elephant in the room.

So I guess in a way it made me feel sort of nice to feel like the strong one again.. the one helping to get to a solution or at least sort of.. disaster relief. But.. I also know that when I left here to go to Milwaukee originally I grew a LOT because I was away from this sort of thing.

I’ve also come to realize that no matter what, I will never be able to express the depth of the pain I was feeling over the winter. There is no way. Anything I could say or write or sing would not reach… And no one will really grasp it. I try not to, but sometimes I remember. I remember lying on my bed in Milwaukee, completely beaten and alone and helpless.. so afraid. I remember getting a text from my mom and realizing that the answer to “why keep going?” was so simple… the answer is love. I remember throwing stuff in a bag, driving and just screaming and crying at the same time. I remember sleeping next to my sister… I remember… being cold, so cold, all the time. I remember slowly letting go of everything.. including the things I loved, that gave me joy.

I am not saying no one has suffered as much as I have. I do wonder though if reaching those depths of despair is just part of growing up.. but I don’t think that it is. But I know there are things I will never understand about how others have experiences whatever it is. And that’s okay. But sometimes I start feeling like a broken record trying to explain it…

See, I try to forget. But I don’t. But everyone else does. So while these things are haunting me… others seem confused or surprised.

So I guess it’s just frustration in…. expressing myself.

Frustration in the regression of things…

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