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it’s been too long. i feel like there is too much to write and nothing to write at the same time.

it’s recently been coming to my attention how a lot of people in my life think i’ve gotten through this… thing. who cares what they think? but it does matter, because right now it feels like my identity. i know i need to shake that. hazy.. everything seems hazy.

my mom went on her first date since my dad last monday. last week she let it slip that there was someone interested.. i encouraged her. she was surprised and very emotional about it. “we just want you to be happy.”

life certainly is weird.

2010 is coming to an end… and i’m not going to be sad to see it go. 2010 has been the hardest year of my life. hands down. i remember last year when people were telling me happy new year i was just wondering if i’d live to see the end of it. sounds melodramatic, i know.. but i really didn’t know.

been struggling with my boyfriend. god i love him. i’ve been too dependent.

i’ve recently realized that there are two very separate things i need to work through. there’s the anxiety and flashbacks and depression and fear and all of that.. the memory of those 3 months last year… and then there’s also just the fact that i lost almost everything. school. friends. job. everything and everyone that inspired me… there was a lot. i lost myself. i threw it away. and i don’t say those things to beat myself down. it’s just the truth. i do believe i can come to be inspired again, i do have hope, but i also know it’s a long road. and there aren’t any guarantees…

if i don’t post again before, happy new year’s everyone. remember love.

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Baby steps.

That has been something I have told myself over and over about lots of things since I came home from the hospital. It’s like my mantra.

I got hired at a daycare working just a few hours a week. I love spending time with kids, and it’s really good for me to be working just a little. Plus it’s a heavy weight off of my shoulders as far as finances are considered.

Yesterday was my first day. Before I went in I wasn’t having a very good day as far as my moods go. Starting any new job is really difficult… meeting all the new people, learning all the new things, wanting to make a good impression and do a good job. The first hour I was there I was counting the minutes until I would get done. I was put in the one and a half year old room, and I really don’t have experience with kids younger than three or four. By the second hour, however, I was no longer thinking about the time. I was just having fun with the kids, feeling good about being productive and remembering why I love working with kids so much.

It’s a small victory, but I am celebrating nonetheless. It’s been frustrating lately, because as I progress, I get even more anxious to start feeling truly stable again. Also, in the last week I sort of feel like I’ve run into a brick wall as far as progress goes. I’m doing a lot better than before, but this last week I didn’t really feel like I kept making improvement (again, as far as moods go.) I see the psychiatrist this week and we’ll have to talk about adjusting meds. When I left the daycare yesterday I was feeling so good about it, but within ten minutes I felt like my heart was just wrenched with anxiety and fear… again, of what? Nothing. I don’t know. I had plans for later that night and I almost canceled them. I forced myself not to though, and a couple hours later I made myself go. Another small victory.

But I’m celebrating nonetheless.

Emerson said: “Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.”

I have honestly been making a lot of progress since I got discharged from the hospital and moved back home. When I first got out, I feared being alone. My head was really foggy. I had a hard time concentrating on what people would say to me. Night time was especially bad. As soon as dusk started approaching, this sense of dread and fear would overtake me. I would try to keep myself busy, which seemed to help, but I would never have left the house.

Now, I don’t mind being alone. My mood swings are way less severe. I’m not as tired all of the time. I can concentrate a little better and the night time anxiety is not nearly as bad. A lot of the same symptoms are there, but just not to the same extent. I feel like I have so much more strength to fight off negative thoughts when they approach. There are definitely bad days and bad moments, and I know I have most of the journey still in front of me, but so far things have progressed further than I would have thought by this time.

Along with progress, however, comes this fear… this fear that I will crash again. And can you blame me really? As far as I knew, things were going great before all of this happened. I fear that once again I will fall. Actually, I think a more likely scenario is that I would do very well first and get sort of manic again before becoming really depressed. If I started feeling more depressed I would be more likely to ask for help.

I need to learn how to trust myself again. Yes, I’m doing better, but I have nearly no responsibilities. I take my brother to work and pick him up, clean and do the dishes, run errands for my mom… that’s really it. I don’t have a job. I don’t have school. I don’t have any of the responsibilities I had before. Last week I had an appointment on a day that I usually work out. Although there was still plenty of time to work out, I worried and stressed over it all morning… thinking, will I have enough time? I ended up having more than enough time. Little things overwhelm me very quickly now… whereas before, I could handle working two shifts, commuting to school in between, and then doing a night class again after my second shift of work. And I didn’t even really stress about it.

I have the opportunity to pick up some hours at my mom’s daycare. The advantage would be that I’m sort of a shoe-in, and I wouldn’t have to work many hours. I also have a lot of experience in childcare. On the other hand, the daycare is almost always short staffed and the children run wild (according to my mom.) It could be very stressful. I told my mom that in a couple weeks I think I would be ready to do that. And I think it’s good for me to work towards a short-term goal, though at the same time it scares me that I won’t be able to do it.

I need to learn how to trust myself again. To continue building that new foundation. To trust that although life will always throw me challenges, there will always be a way out. I don’t want to come out of this fearful of another crash. I want to come out of it stronger and more at one with myself.