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it’s been too long. i feel like there is too much to write and nothing to write at the same time.

it’s recently been coming to my attention how a lot of people in my life think i’ve gotten through this… thing. who cares what they think? but it does matter, because right now it feels like my identity. i know i need to shake that. hazy.. everything seems hazy.

my mom went on her first date since my dad last monday. last week she let it slip that there was someone interested.. i encouraged her. she was surprised and very emotional about it. “we just want you to be happy.”

life certainly is weird.

2010 is coming to an end… and i’m not going to be sad to see it go. 2010 has been the hardest year of my life. hands down. i remember last year when people were telling me happy new year i was just wondering if i’d live to see the end of it. sounds melodramatic, i know.. but i really didn’t know.

been struggling with my boyfriend. god i love him. i’ve been too dependent.

i’ve recently realized that there are two very separate things i need to work through. there’s the anxiety and flashbacks and depression and fear and all of that.. the memory of those 3 months last year… and then there’s also just the fact that i lost almost everything. school. friends. job. everything and everyone that inspired me… there was a lot. i lost myself. i threw it away. and i don’t say those things to beat myself down. it’s just the truth. i do believe i can come to be inspired again, i do have hope, but i also know it’s a long road. and there aren’t any guarantees…

if i don’t post again before, happy new year’s everyone. remember love.

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I was talking to this guy I know a little about religion and faith.

He said that he thinks maybe it’s more important to keep the faith…

yet he’s an atheist.

I made an appointment with a different psychiatrist who I have heard good things about. I’m really happy about that…

My dad gave me copies of this paper tracing some of our family all the way back to the 1600’s. It’s interesting to see what my ancestors did…

My old roommate (and one of my very best friends) was asking me about the music situation. She brought up an interesting thought.. which is that a couple of years ago after I took a trip across the country I was really contemplating dropping out of school to just live and play some music. I didn’t end up doing it… but she mentioned how it’s funny that sort of happened anyway.

Man.. I don’t understand why I’m always so wound up at this time of the day…

Song of the day: At the Hop by Devendra Bahnhart.

In keeping the words of my last post, the song today is Plastic Trees by Radiohead.

I’m learning more and more about love…

and how even when you’re worn out by your love’s actions… angry, or even hurt, you are no less in love with him.

Not so long ago I think one of the words that best described me was passionate.

One of the things I was most passionate about was… being alive, as awake as possible. I had some idealistic dream for us all to wake up and realize what a gift life is, how beautiful it is.

And now…

I feel like in a way…

The days are just passing me by.

But so many days I have to fight so hard to just get through that

I just don’t have the heart to fight for even more.

But I guess at heart I’m fighting for just that, to wake up again… to remember that beautiful things are felt even when hurting, when things just don’t make sense.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this… It’s just weird, I still remember things from those three months that I had forgotten… Not even just memories, but feelings, almost flashbacks.

Summer hasn’t quite lived up to what I had set high hopes for… yet in its own way it has brought gifts I hadn’t even thought of before. There have been hots days of swimming, warm nights of sitting under the stars, more and more music… and yet…..

Well, I’m certainly drifting… which I had wanted to do in a way.

There’s so much more to my story than I had ever expected.