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“All I have for the moment is a song to pass the time,
A melody to keep me from worrying
Yeah, some simple progression to keep my
Fingers busy
And words that are sure to come back to me…”

I’ve always been a really good sleeper. I’d read for a while and fall asleep… and I’d do my best to get seven or eight hours a night.

These days I don’t sleep well at all. Sometimes I wake up and feel like I didn’t sleep at all. A lot of times I just plain can’t sleep.

“So there still is hope,
Yes I can be healed
There is someone looking for what I’ve concealed
In my secret drawers, in my pockets deep,
You will find the reasons that I can’t sleep
And you will still want me…
Will you still want me?”

I’ve been doing a lot better since I wrote my last post. I still need to get my life in order and work to make more and more progress… but I’m going in the right direction.

It’s so important to look at your life, figure out what you can and can’t control, and try to make good decisions.

Good decisions…

I’ve been doing okay with that the last few months. I did make a lot of horrible decisions before I came back here though… with effects that I still feel every day.

I’m adjusting to this new way of life… learning to live again. Learning a lot about love.

It’s hard…

but still so worth it. Love.

The way you think… the way you feel… it controls so many things. I know that if I don’t BELIEVE I can get better, I won’t. I know that if I don’t fight the anxiety, the thoughts… they’ll beat me every time. Sometimes they’ll beat me even when I do fight… but I’ll keep fighting anyway.

“So hold up your fist
To the flame in the sky
To block out the light
That’s reaching for our eyes
Cause it would blind us…”

-Bright Eyes


“And I sing, I sing of awful things
the pleasure that my sadness brings
as my fingers press onto the strings
in yet another clumsy chord”

From a song by Bright Eyes, these words capture how I’ve felt many times- that there has been this pleasure in my sadness.

I’ve always sort of sensed this beauty in sadness… this understanding that if anything, experience and learning will come through it. I’ve written many, many songs that are sad but always have that element of hope. Hope shines brightest in sadness.

Yet when this whole thing started for me in November it was different. I had a lot of intense emotional pain, but there wasn’t beauty in it. I did find a lot of pleasure in it though. And I really didn’t want to get better. I was almost in love with it. It was this irritated high. I didn’t need to sleep or to eat… I stopped going to classes and I really didn’t care. I would drive around and drink, something I never would have done before. I also pushed away almost all of my friends… I felt out of control.

And yet, I didn’t want to get better. It hurt like hell but it felt so good at the same time. It was this pleasurable pain.

I would sit in coffee shops and free write for hours about the people in the cafe. For some reason, putting ink on paper seemed to calm me. I remember thinking to myself that I felt like there was a monster in my head… a weird way to put it, but that’s how it felt.

I would drive for hours every day, because driving was the other thing that calmed me. There was something about the open road, my music, and a cigarette that made me feel okay.

But the high didn’t last. It led to a LOW, and then I had already fallen so far that I couldn’t pull myself out of it alone.

I look back on that now and I see the difference between seeing beauty in sadness and getting this pleasure out of pain. One promotes self growth and the other is self destructive. I fear that I will cycle into that again, and I won’t be able to control it. For now, though, I’m focusing on starting to function again, pulling myself out of this depression, building a new foundation and trying to understand why some of these things happened. I’m trying to “learn how to live” again.

Have there been times in your life where you saw beauty in tragedy or your sadness?