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it’s been too long. i feel like there is too much to write and nothing to write at the same time.

it’s recently been coming to my attention how a lot of people in my life think i’ve gotten through this… thing. who cares what they think? but it does matter, because right now it feels like my identity. i know i need to shake that. hazy.. everything seems hazy.

my mom went on her first date since my dad last monday. last week she let it slip that there was someone interested.. i encouraged her. she was surprised and very emotional about it. “we just want you to be happy.”

life certainly is weird.

2010 is coming to an end… and i’m not going to be sad to see it go. 2010 has been the hardest year of my life. hands down. i remember last year when people were telling me happy new year i was just wondering if i’d live to see the end of it. sounds melodramatic, i know.. but i really didn’t know.

been struggling with my boyfriend. god i love him. i’ve been too dependent.

i’ve recently realized that there are two very separate things i need to work through. there’s the anxiety and flashbacks and depression and fear and all of that.. the memory of those 3 months last year… and then there’s also just the fact that i lost almost everything. school. friends. job. everything and everyone that inspired me… there was a lot. i lost myself. i threw it away. and i don’t say those things to beat myself down. it’s just the truth. i do believe i can come to be inspired again, i do have hope, but i also know it’s a long road. and there aren’t any guarantees…

if i don’t post again before, happy new year’s everyone. remember love.

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You’ve probably heard it before. Girls who have unhealthy relationships with their fathers often have unhealthy relationships with men when they get older.

Well, that’s me. But I guess in my case it’s not really that simple.

My father didn’t abuse me in any way. He just wasn’t there. Well, he was physically there sometimes, but I really had no relationship with him while I was growing up. He was completely emotionally absent.

Not only that, but he was also emotionally absent from his relationship with my mother. Honestly, I hardly ever saw them talk let alone show physical affection. The part of that that was probably the worst for me was that I thought that was normal. I really had no idea it wasn’t until when I was around fourteen or fifteen.

A lot was happening in my family around this time. My mom started confiding in me about her issues with my dad. I put on a strong front- I wanted to be there for her. I listened as she told me how trapped she felt. She didn’t want to hurt us kids, she didn’t want to disobey God, and she felt that as a pastor’s wife she really didn’t have a way out.

I began to despise my dad. I blamed him for a lot of things that weren’t his fault. Nothing seemed to get through to him.

Since then, my dad has changed a lot. That’s a whole different story, but I can honestly say that I have forgiven him and actually have a loving relationship with him now. But I still have huge commitment issues. Some of them are so complicated that I don’t even know where to begin.

I don’t have a hard time making emotional connections to people. In fact, I think I excel at it. Yet when it comes to dating, I subconsciously put up an iron wall. I don’t think that I’m afraid of getting hurt so much as I’m afraid of feeling trapped- just like my mom was. I’ve also realized that I try to be perfect for the guy… as if that is how relationships work.

The truth is, relationships take a lot of work. There will be times when your significant other gets on your nerves. You will both make mistakes. And… any relationship is a risk. The more you love someone, the more vulnerable you are to them… but that’s part of what makes love such an amazing thing.

So here’s another confession that I haven’t shared with you all: there’s a guy. I have a lot of history with him… he lives here. We’ve dated twice and I ended it both times. Both times it was long distance. When I was in the hospital- more vulnerable than I ever have been before- I thought about him a lot. I thought about who I would want to see or spend time with when I got out, and he came to mind over and over. And if you can believe this, it wasn’t in any way because I wanted to win him back again. I’m completely fine being single (more than anyone I know probably.) I never thought he would even consider dating me again. I wasn’t considering it myself.

I’ll always have feelings for him. I know that.

So we’ve spent time together since I’ve been here. He’s changed a lot… and obviously I have too. See, so many things about us together make sense. That’s why it was so frustrating when it wouldn’t work out. But I think the fact is that we never made good friends. Friendship in a relationship is so important. I’m really learning that. When we weren’t dating, I had no problem opening up to him, but as soon as we were… I just didn’t.

Having said all that… fast forward to now. In the past week, things have moved past us being just friends. They haven’t moved much beyond that.. but the desire is there for both of us- and that’s out in the open now. Last night we talked about it. We talked about things from the past- what didn’t work, what did… and we talked about the future- not much, but that we have to take this really slowly… and we talked about not making the same mistakes again.

I’m terrified. This time… it’s not in the same way… this time, I’m terrified because I think I’m starting to let myself really love him. I’m terrified because I’m vulnerable, but that’s okay… because I never let myself be vulnerable to him before. That wall has gone down. And I know that subconsciously I’m going to try and put it up again, but consciously I’m going to fight that as much as I can.

And I’m going to remind myself that neither of us know what will happen in the future. Neither of us are looking to get married any time soon. For once, I’m going to let us just be what we are- two people that really care about each other, two people who have made a lot of mistakes (and will inevitably make more,) two people.. trying to learn how to love a little better.